like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
