We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
