I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
