It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
