you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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