Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
