Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
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All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
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I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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