I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
