so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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