Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
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I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
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In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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