I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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