stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
