It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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