Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
