My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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