my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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