It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
