Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sorry about my life...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
