i may or may not be watching the land before time
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
