I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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