You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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