I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
