She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I need to stop coming to work sober
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
