like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
