Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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