I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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