it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
