I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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