Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
