i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
