we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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