I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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