thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
