I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it was like eating out sand paper
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
