Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
