mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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