i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
