OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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