So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
