at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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