Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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