then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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