I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
