I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
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Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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