So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
