can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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