he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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