White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
