ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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