I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
