There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
