I don't think brook has ever known best
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
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