I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize