Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
