fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
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He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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