Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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