My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
