Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
