It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We had to coat check the pizza.
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i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
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Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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