You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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