Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
