haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
