3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
