Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish I only lived at night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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